Are You In or Out?
Do you want to fit in, or would you prefer to stand out?
If given the choice, would you rather fit in or stand out?
If we look at the way most Americans, and most people around the world, live their lives, I’d have to say the answer is the former and not the latter.
Most people prefer acceptance and being part of the “IN” crowd.
It’s easier, and we think (at least initially) it will make us feel better.
But there’s an interesting thing about striving to fit in. It often isn’t as fulfilling and satisfying as we believe it to be.
And it often leaves us feeling like something is missing or that something isn’t right.
I would venture a guess, based on my observations as a student of human behavior, that 90-95% (maybe higher) of people want to fit in, to be a part of something, to feel like they have been accepted into the “IN” crowd.
You see it on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and other social media platforms where people mindlessly, and often stupidly, engage in these social media challenges to get their “15 seconds of fame” and the dopamine rush that comes with it, from videoing themselves taking the tide pod challenge, the ghost pepper challenge, the blackout challenge, the condom challenge, or the salt and ice challenge (to name a few).
In this desperate attempt to fit in, to be a part of the “IN” crowd, or to feel like you’re accepted into the mainstream of culture, you give no thought to the embarrassment (and often potential harm) these challenges invite, all because you want to do what everyone else is doing and conform to this warped social construct of normalcy.
Here’s what I can tell you about that…
If you do what everyone else is doing, you’ll get what everyone else is getting.
You may get your 15 seconds of fame, but it isn’t going to give you what you’re really after.
That something is lasting fulfillment and satisfaction.
You will NEVER get that from competing in a ridiculous challenge on social media.
Eight people died in the early days of the Tide Pod Challenge. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, more suffered from vomiting, nausea, fainting, and skin rash as a result. That really makes me want to go eat a Tide Pod, how about you?
Yet, the advertising industry has made billions, perhaps trillions of dollars, over the years seeking to get you to dress in a certain way, smell a certain way, drive a certain kind of car, drink a certain type of drink, eat certain types of foods, or make certain lifestyle choices all to “fit in” to the glamorized, idealistic images we see in commercials, as well as in print and audio media.
And what has it done for you?
It’s given you a shallow sense that you belong, you’re “IN” the club, you’re doing what everyone else is doing – you belong. But it doesn’t do is to give you lasting satisfaction and fulfillment. Remember, the people you see on screen having fun at a restaurant, drinking at a bar, enjoying a party at home, or living it up at the Big Game are actors.
They are paid to play a part, to look a certain way, to entice you to buy what the advertiser is selling, to get you to conform.
Advertisers, organizations, movements, and even cultists all understand the fact that humans are social creatures. There is something inside each of us that wants to feel connected to other people. When we are born, we connect with our parents, and later our siblings and extended family. We connect with classmates at school, teammates on a sports team, and later with coworkers in the workplace.
There’s BIG money in enticing people to fit in and be a part of the part of the IN-Crowd.
It gives us the illusion of connection, of belonging, of feeling like we have arrived, but in reality it leaves us lacking, simply doing the same things that everyone else is doing, and buying into the lie that we are experiencing life to the fullest.
There’s a problem with wanting to fit in.
Sometimes we don’t have what it takes to fit in, and be a part of what we believe will fulfill us, give us lasting satisfaction, or the feeling we have “arrived” as an individual.
Ryan Leak is a motivational coach and speaker. I met him for the first time in Orlando in August 2023. Ryan shared a personal story of a documentary he filmed, “Chasing Failure”, where after a chance meeting with the legendary Kobe Bryant, he wanted to document getting turned down in his attempt to try out for an NBA team.
One team, the Phoenix Suns, took him up on his offer and extended an invitation for him to tryout for their team. Ryan made the flight to Phoenix and prepared to give it his best. He looked the part when he walked onto the court, and if looks were the measuring stick of success, he definitely fit in.
But when Ryan got on the floor, he found he fit in, but didn’t stand out.
He looked good shooting the ball, but he didn’t quite rise to the level of what was needed to succeed in the NBA in the eyes of the coaches and players who were watching. Ryan fit in, he was 6’4” tall, physically fit, and had some skill as an athlete, but he didn’t stand out.
I met Charlie Hinrichs when he joined an organization I worked with right out of college. He was an older man, and over time I learned he had played football at Arkansas State University. He was a standout player with aspirations of playing in the NFL. Charlie shared with me a story of his opportunity to try out for the Dallas Cowboys.
He shared with me that when he played college ball, he was one of the bigger players who played his position on the team. He was strong, and he was fast. But, Charlie noted when we went to the Cowboys facility to try out for the team, he was big, but they were bigger. He was fast, but they were faster.
Like Ryan, he was a college standout, but these players (like the NBA players Ryan faced) were a level above that. To fit into that exclusive club, you had to be exceptional.
Fitting in wasn’t enough, you had to stand out.
I believe deep down within each one of us is a desire to be more than a follower. There is a deep-seated longing within most of us for something MORE in our lives. It’s a sense that we were put on this earth ON purpose, FOR a purpose, to make a POSITIVE difference in the lives of others or in the world in some way.
But, this demands that we stand out.
If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. If you do what everyone else is doing, you’ll get what everyone else is getting.
If 95% of the world is living an average, mediocre, lackluster life and is content to live far below their potential, is that what YOU want for YOUR life? Are you more okay with fitting in, being a part of some fad or clique, than rising to your full potential in life?
I don’t think so.
I believe that deep within most of us is an emptiness that can only be filled, a proverbial itch that can only be scratched, that happens when we take the steps necessary to stand out – to learn to lead ourselves well, make good choices, and experience real success and lasting significance in our lives.
And, I believe that is possible for every single one of us.
It’s about discovering, developing, and then deploying your own unique Black Belt Leader Within. It’s about becoming a World Class Master of Who You Are and What You Do. It’s about finding out what you’re best at doing and becoming the best of the best at that one thing.
Why is this important?
If you do what no one else is doing, or you do something better than anyone else can do it, you stand out, you get noticed, and you get ahead.
Ryan Leak went on to finish his documentary, “Chasing Failure”, and that launched a highly successful career for him as a motivational coach and speaker. Charlie Hinrichs shared his life experience and the lessons he learned along the way, helping others find their passion and calling in life.
Both of these men learned how to stand out, and not just be content with fitting in.
Leaders stand out. They don’t mindlessly follow the crowd. They are intentional about how they live their lives, purposeful in the choices they make, and distinctive in the way they live their lives.
To be distinctive is to be unique or different. A distinctive person is someone who is a proverbial cut above the rank and file of those around them. He or she has an uncommon, appealing quality that attracts other people to them.
This is who leaders are.
If you want to be successful in life, to live a life of significance, this is who you must become.
That is different for each of us.
It’s easy to fit in, most of the time, but it takes something more to stand out.
Leaders are willing to put in the time, energy, and effort to become that person.
So, here’s my question as I bring this to a close…
Are you content with just fitting in, or are you willing to do what is necessary to stand out?
Remember, successful people do daily what unsuccessful people do sometimes or not at all.
Let me leave you with this…
If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always gotten.
If you do what everyone else is doing, you will get what everyone else is getting.
You’ll fit in, but you’ll never stand out.
But, if you do what no one else is doing, or you do something better than anyone else can do it, you stand out, you get noticed, and you get ahead.
Do you want to fit in, or do you want to stand out?
That choice, my friend, is yours.