Beware the Three R's

Who are these three characters that seek to wreak havoc in your life?

Beware the Three R’s

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Growing up, my mom often told me (and my sister) the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  If you don’t know the story, a young girl with golden hair gets lost in the woods. She comes across a home inhabited by three bears, Poppa, Momma, and Baby Bear, who had gone on a walk to let their porridge cool before eating. 

Enticed by the aroma of the porridge, Goldilocks decided to try the food. Poppa Bear’s porridge is too hot. Momma Bear’s porridge is too cold.  But Baby Bear’s porridge was just right.   So, being hungry, she gobbled it all up. 

She then made her way upstairs to the loft to find three beds.  Poppa Bear’s bed was too hard. Momma Bear’s bed was too soft.  But Baby Bear’s bed was just right and Goldilocks, with her belly full of warm porridge, fell right to sleep.

The Bear Family comes home to find their front door open, their porridge bowls disturbed, and a young girl sleeping in Baby Bear’s bed.  Goldilocks awakened to find three massive bears standing over her, and quickly ran out of the house leaving the three bears puzzled as to what happened, and why.

Now today’s leadership lesson isn’t about the Three Bears, but it is about three interesting characters that can show up in our lives, wreaking havoc and causing us to fail to thrive.

You may not realize it, but you welcome these three characters into your life, along with the drama, havoc, and misery they cause.  When, you might ask?  Every time you engage in negative thinking.  

Their names?  Regret. Resentment. Revenge.  I call them the Rotten Brothers. Why? Because they are the inbred result of rotten, negative thinking.

We live in a world today that is increasingly negative.   Social media is a cesspool of negativity, as is mainstream media. Today’s music lyrics are less love-filled and more hate-filled. Politicians are dividing people based on ethnic, cultural, gender, religious, or ideological distinctions.  Culturally, we are more pessimistic and divisive than ever before. 

As a result, we are more anxious, depressed, isolated, and more negative than ever before.

So, what happens when we think negative thoughts?

When we live with a “glass half empty” mindset, we become problem-focused.  This in itself is a problem. Why? Because what we focus on expands. It gets amplified in our thinking which in turn shapes the way we view the world around us. When we focus on the negative, it literally filters how we see the world around us, and the people within that world.

What we focus on, we invite more of into our lives.

Studies have shown that prolonged negative thinking weakens the brain’s ability to reason, analyze, create, and form (and store) memories. It’s an addictive process that drains the brain’s resources while encouraging feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, hopelessness, apathy, and negativity. 

These same studies also reveal that negative thinking encourages the release of the stress hormone Cortisol, which can affect mood and increase heart rate, blood pressure, and stress levels. It also triggers the release of Norepinephrine, which can trigger negative emotional outbursts. Negative thinking also depletes dopamine and serotonin levels.  These are the “feel good” chemicals that also lower heart rate, blood pressure, and stress levels.

It's in these times of negative thinking that The Three Rotten Brothers show up, wreak havoc, and sabotage our lives.

The first is Regret.

Regret is a feeling of sadness or disappointment over something that occurred, a loss, or a missed opportunity.  Regretful thinking causes us to live life in the rearview mirror, looking back at what happened, should have happened, or didn’t happen. Living with regret leaves us stuck in that moment, unable to move forward.

When Brother Regret comes calling, he brings with him a loss of self-esteem and confidence, increased anxiety, muscle tension, changes in appetite, and chronic stress.  People feel bad about themselves, they become fixated on that moment, leaving them stuck in time. The world around them keeps moving, but they don’t.

How do you send Brother Regret packing?

You have to acknowledge and accept what has happened in the past.  You learn from the event, forgive those who wronged you or let you down, and you keep moving forward.  You have to also forgive yourself for any role you played in this regretful moment, make amends, and take the next step toward your goals.

Remember, you can’t go back and change the past, so fixating on what did or did not happen doesn’t serve you well.  It only serves to hold you captive to the past.   The past is behind you, the future is before you, and this present needs you to be fully engaged.

The second Rotten Brother is Resent.

Resentment is a feeling of bitterness, anger, or indignation at having been treated unfairly or the result of a perceived wrongdoing.  Resentment often sparks feelings of intense anger, usually directed toward another person.  This can have a crippling impact on relationships.

Resentful people are more easily frustrated with others, short-tempered, and often become very guarded and defensive. They are less respectful, less cooperative, and less collaborative with others. As with Regret, resentful people hold on to past conflicts (real or perceived), choosing to hold a grudge rather than seek forgiveness and reconciliation.

What resentful people don’t realize is that in their attempt to isolate, marginalize, or devalue those they believe have harmed them in some way, they have imprisoned themselves. They have isolated and marginalized themselves from others, devaluing themselves in the process.  They have embraced the “emotion of justice” at the expense of everything else.

To overcome resentment, it’s important to examine what we’re feeling, and why. Without casting judgment on others (or ourselves), we need to develop and practice good conflict-resolution skills, seek harmony, practice mindfulness, and choose to forgive so we don’t remain shackled to the past.

Don’t forget that the people we resent often have no idea they harmed or offended us. Resentment often builds upon regret, amplifying its negative influence in our lives.

My advice…be the adult in the room and let it go.  Life’s too short to keep holding grudges.  Because when you hold a grudge for too long, this opens the door for the third brother to creep into your life and make things even worse.

The third and final brother is Revenge.

Revenge is the act of harming someone for an injury or wrong suffered (real or perceived).  When we regret something that did or did not happen, and we allow that to fester like an open sore, resentment finds its way into our lives. These two brothers work tirelessly to amplify the negative thoughts we are thinking and the negative emotions we are experiencing until we verbally or physically lash out at someone else.

Revenge is all about “getting even” or “settling a score.”  It is about seeking an opportunity to retaliate or punish someone for something they said or did.  Revenge is about escalation in a vindictive, hurtful way.  A person who is intent on revenge is fixated on retaliation at all costs and is driven by intense feelings of anger and resentment.

The problem with revenge is that the person who inflicts it believes it will provide an emotional release from the negative emotions swirling within.  They believe it will make them feel better.  Sadly, it doesn’t.   Those who enact revenge tend to experience an erosion of their own self-esteem and self-worth as they experience guilt, shame, and regret.

This resets the cycle, inviting the Rotten Brothers to hang around a bit longer, wreaking more havoc in our lives, damaging our relationships, sabotaging our success, and disrupting our ability to lead ourselves well and make good choices that lead to good outcomes.

As an alternative to revenge, seek forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t about excusing another person’s behavior or condoning their actions.  Forgiveness is the act of letting go, preserving our own welfare and well-being, and making a conscious decision to move beyond this moment in time.  It is a choice to be at peace with ourselves, and those around us.

Dr. Gerald Jampowlsky, the author of “Love is Letting Go of Fear”, summed it up well when it comes to replacing thoughts of revenge with acts of forgiveness.

“I can escape the world I see by giving up attack thoughts.”

The author of “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”, Robert Folghum, echoes a similar thought:

“Peace is not something you wish for. It is something you make,
something you are, something you do, and something you give away.”

Beware the Three R’s, as they only nurture and cultivate more negative thinking, amplify more negative emotions, and intensify our “glass half-empty” view of the world around us. We become prisoners of our own thoughts, not realizing the bars that imprison us are of our own making.  We remain stuck where we are, as we are, unchanged.

This is not a recipe for success in life.

Choose instead to see the world as “glass half-full.”  Be grateful for who you are, what you have, as well as who you have in your life.  Having an Attitude of Gratitude elevates your thinking from being limited scarcity to limitless abundance.

Remember…as you think, you become.  Once you stop thinking, you stop becoming.

Stop thinking negative thoughts and you stop becoming a negative person. Start thinking positive thoughts, and you become a more positive person.

It’s pretty simple, and pretty profound.