Having authored 2 books on the wise use of money and speaking to thousands of individuals on a variety of financial topics over 25+ years, I'm constantly asked by financial professionals what ONE thing they could do to improve their ability to sell more, retain more clients, get more referrals or connect with more people.
The answer to this question is the same one I give when teaching leadership, effective communication, or improving personal or professional relationships in a coaching or workshop setting. It's the same answer I give to the black belt instructors I have the privilege to mentor and train around the world, as well as business professionals, pastors, community leaders, and students looking to get started in life.
Its brilliance and power can be found in its simplicity...yet it's something most of us fail to do.
Remember this...It's NOT About You!
In the Dale Carnegie classic, "How to Win Friends and Influence People", Mr. Carnegie reminds us that 90% of the people on earth miss this simple but powerful influencer 90% of the time. Why? Because unless you're solely focused on a particular topic for a moment, 95% of the time your thoughts are focused on YOU.
We talk to others about what we want, when in reality no one really cares. John Maxwell says "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." I agree. And we show how much we care by taking the time to understand that the MOST IMPORTANT THING to other people is their own themselves, and giving them the opportunity to share that with us.
Wayne Nance, the founder of Real Life Management, reminds us that we have to get ourselves out of the way first because this is a barrier to effective communication. When we are focused on ourselves (as we are 95% of the time), we fail to realize that the person we are seeking to communicate with or influence in some way has their own wants, needs, fears, concerns, or desires.
We communicate from our own frame of reference and life experience, but effective communication requires we understand the other person's frame of reference (and their own life experience) and tailor our communication accordingly.
If we make the conversation all about us and what we want, we're setting ourselves up for failure...regardless of the outcome we desire. Why? It's NOT About You!
Remember, the other person doesn't care what you know until they know that you care about them, their wants, their needs, their goals and dreams for the future...but you can't learn that from the other person without letting the other person talk, asking open-ended questions and being an effective listener.
Henry Ford describes it as "getting the other person's point of view and see things from his or her angle..." It's seeing their world through the colored prism of the experience of the other person. It changes how we perceive others, and how we interact with them...and ultimately how we can help THEM get what they want.
And if we help enough people get what they want, others will help us get what we want! At the end of the day, isn't that really what it's all about?
Owen Young, a noted lawyer said, "People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them."
John Maxwell reminds us that "adding value" is one of the most important things we can do. We do that through asking questions, letting the other person talk, and tell "their story". From that, we can discover what's important to them and what they want. Once we know that, we can be much more effective in our interactions with others, and we can truly HELP them because they've told us what they want or need.
In my pursuit of "Black Belt Excellence", I learned this in my martial arts training. You cannot effectively rise through the ranks of martial arts without meeting the needs of others. Once I obtained the rank of Green Belt, I had a teaching requirement as part of my advancement regimen. If I failed to progress the students under my tutelage, then I did not personally advance.
This required that I focus on my students, understand their abilities and weaknesses, and focus on helping them improve both. It meant investing in the lives of others, helping them GET WHAT THEY WANTED, and is so doing, it allowed me to GET WHAT I WANTED. Today, I instill these same qualities in the lives of the amazing black belt instructors I'm privileged to coach and mentor as leaders in life.
As a Life Coach and Mentor, I am amazed at how frequently we ALL want to talk about ourselves. We're ALL selfish to the extent we want to experience a moment of significance and be appreciated or noted for our achievements. But amazing things can happen when we "reverse the polarity" of the conversation and put the other person as the MOST IMPORTANT THING.
I remember watching one of my mentors attend a "Business After Hours" function. As he mingled with business owners he'd never met, he smiled, asked their name and what they did. Each answer was met with a simple, but direct request for more information about that person, their career, and so forth. Aside from introducing himself, he simply asked questions for a few minutes, then moved on to the next person in the room.
Throughout the next month, as I interacted with several of these business professionals, they all commented on what a GREAT communicator my friend was and how much they enjoyed talking with him. I smiled, and thanked them, knowing the reason for their positive impression of this man, and the influence he now held over their lives, was due to the fact he remembered that "It's Not About You!" and made that person the MOST IMPORTANT THING for the few minutes they were together.
When I brought my mentor back to speak to this group a few months later, the people whom he interacted with were among the first to show up, and some of the last to leave. They wanted their photo taken with this man, they bought his books and tapes, and they became his greatest fans and helped fill the room so the venue was a success.
So each morning as I rise, I remind myself, "It's Not About You!" I look for ways to "Add Value" to people and I try to "see the world" through the eyes of the clients I'm working with each and every day. Some days I do this well. Other days, my own "YOU" gets in the way.
Remember this...You show how much you care, and add value to the lives of people, when you PUT THEM FIRST and focus on meeting their needs. "Arouse in the other person an eager want," says Andrew Carnegie.
Zig Ziglar said, "You can have everything in life you want if you just help other people get what they want." What do you want, and how many people are you willing to help to get there? To accomplish that, and do it well along the way, it requires that you put the needs of others before your own.
He who can solve the most problems has no lack of significance, prestige, power, and wealth. By putting the needs of others before your own, and listening as they tell their story, they will tell you what you need to do to help them solve their problems.
But it starts with living out one simple truth...It's NOT About You!
And when you do that for them, they will introduce you to others who you can help likewise...and you'll never have to worry about what the future holds for you.
It WILL be Significant!
John Terry
The Black Belt Leader
www.beablackbeltleader.com