Living Life in the Rearview Mirror

You can't effectively move forward in life and get where you want to go if you're constantly looking at where you've been.

Who wants to go through life going backward?

Everybody says NO when asked this question, but for far too many their actions say otherwise. As a result, they miss what's in front of them because they only see what's behind them.

When we can't let go of the past, we're destined to live there.

It's like putting your hand on a hot stove, getting burned, and continually going back there again and again just to relive the experience. It's like getting severely cut, getting stitches, only to remove them so we can be sewn up all over again.

Why would anyone want to do that?

But sadly, they do.

This is a topic I've taught before, but one that bears repeating.

I spoke with a friend this week who had taken my advice and had a candid "man in the mirror" moment with himself. He took the time to conduct an honest examination of himself in an attempt to isolate the root causes of why he wasn't moving forward and experiencing more success in his life. What he saw disturbed him, as he was living life in the rearview mirror.

His words, "John, I didn't like what I saw. When I took an honest, candid, raw look at myself I saw a man who refused to let go of things that had happened in the past, people who had let him down, and had become angry and bitter." My friend know something had to change, or he was going to be stuck in the past for the rest of his life.

He was essentially Bill Murray in the classic movie, Groundhog Day, experiencing the same hurts, frustrations, and disappointments every day of his life. Not physically, but he was continually replaying them in his mind.

And to his subconscious, which can't tell the difference, he was continually reinforcing himself as a victim, someone who had been taken advantage of by others and someone who had trusted others to do what they said only to be disappointed when they didn't.

He was living life in the rearview mirror.

Tony Robbins says that where your focus goes, energy flows. My friend was focused on the negative, reliving the hurts and frustrations of the past over and over again. This was increasing the negativity in his life, clouding his view of the world around him, and taking a horrendous toll on his business, his family, and his own health and welfare.

As he and I talked, my thoughts went to an affirmation statement taught by Dr. Gerlard Jampolsky, founder of the Center for Attitudinal Healing and author of "Love is Letting Go of Fear"), "I can escape the world I see by giving up attack thoughts."

My friend, living life in the rearview mirror, admitted he was living with attack thoughts, replaying in his mind all the times he had been let down, disappointed, or taken advantage of in business. His thoughts continually turned to retaliation, revenge, and retribution as he continually fed the anger and hostility within his own mind.

As a result, his cortisone levels rose, as did his blood pressure. He found himself eating more, and more junk food, as a temporary escape. He was snippy with his wife and children, as well as those closest to him. The continued stress of living life in the rearview mirror increased his waistline and lowered his immune system. He found himself getting sick more often.

I shared an excerpt from Dr. Jampolsky's book, "We change the world we see by changing our thoughts about it. By changing our thoughts, we are actually changing the cause. Then the world we see, the effect, will change automatically."

It's relinquishing a belief system that isn't serving you well (and is in fact harming you and those around you) and replacing it with another belief system that serves you (and those around you) better.

By changing our thoughts, we change both cause and effect in our lives.

It's about letting go! (No Elsa music, please.)

What we don't realize when we are living life in the rearview mirror is that when we're stuck in a vicious cycle of mentally retaliating with those who did us wrong, or looking to avenge a circumstance in our lives, we're only harming ourselves. We've given that person, that situation, control and power over our lives.

We've relinquished control of ourselves.

As a 3X martial arts Hall of Famer, I like to say this is not how Black Belt Leaders WIN. It's not how you experience more Real Life Success in your life.

This is a self-sabotaging behavior that sets you up for failure in life.

It is allowing the past to predict the future, and as a result, we don't see the moment for what it truly is. We see agendas when they aren't really there. We take things personally that we shouldn't. We end up saying and doing things that essentially "shoot us in the foot with our own gun." (Remember Barney Fife?)

So how do we stop living life in the rearview mirror?

First, we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to recognize this is what we are doing, and it's holding us back from Real Life Success in our lives. It's actually harming us and those around us. That means having a raw, candid conversation with yourself to admit that YOU are the problem.

Secondly, we have to let go. We have to forgive those who we believe have wronged us in the past. whether they actually did or not. We have to let go of hurtful experiences as well and stop returning to the hot stove only to get burned one more time.

Third, we have to retrain our brains to think in a new and better way. This requires you to become consciously aware of your thoughts...what you're thinking and why. When you find yourself wanting to go to the rearview mirror, you've got to take an intentional pause, take control of your thoughts, and choose to think in a new and different way.

In Real Life Management, we teach a "retrain the brain" process we refer to as ALTER. It's a five-step process to (1) acknowledge the attitude at the heart of the problem and (2) learn what's causing the trigger that takes us where we don't want to go. We then create a (3) tactical plan (a process) by which we can replace one belief with another and we (4) execute that plan. Finally, we (5) review how we're doing, tweaking and adjusting, until we replace thoughts that aren't serving us well with those that do.

This is a self-leadership issue. When we are failing to lead ourselves well and not taking control of what we are thinking, we allow negative emotions to hijack our thoughts. As a result, we act based on poor thinking - which is always a recipe for disaster.

And don't forget that objects in the rearview mirror often appear closer than they really are. A rearview mirror view of the world continually amplifies the hurts, pains, frustrations, and other negative emotions with disastrous long-term results to our health, wealth, and relationships.

It also amplifies all the missed opportunities you didn't take advantage of when they were before you. Why? Because you only saw them after you passed them by. It's a life of regret, disappointment, and true sadness as you see all that could have been had you been looking in the right direction.

My friend, knowing I have a martial arts background, said living life in the rearview mirror was like getting in the boxing ring and staring back at your corner rather than keeping your eyes on your opponent. It's not going to end well for you, and it's going to hurt for some time when you wake up.

And then, you go back in the same ring and do it all over again.

We laughed, but the point was made.

My grandfather, a coal miner, told me one of his best schoolteachers was Life. As a young boy, he told me often that Life has lessons it wants to teach us every day. If we learn the lesson the first time its taught, that lesson is never repeated. This is how we learn and grow.

But, he added, there are far too many people in this world who are still stuck in kindergarten or the first or second grade, because they keep going back to the same class every day. They aren't learning the lessons life has to teach them, and they are stuck.

Honestly, I think there are many who are stuck in preschool, but the point is well made. My grandfather was essentially saying far too many people are living life in the rearview mirror. Most are stuck, essentially sitting still, and not moving forward. Others, the worst offenders, are going backward, driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Dr. Jampolsky said it well, "I can escape the world I see by giving up attack thoughts." What needs to ALTER in your life so you can experience more Real Life Success?

What thoughts do you need to give up today so you can go up, grow up, and become the person you were put on this earth to become?

Let it go.

Who do you need to forgive so you can stop harboring past hurts, anger, and resentment and release that constant flow of negativity into your life?

Let them go.

Remember this, the quality of the life you're living will never be better than the quality of the thinking that dictates the quality of life you're experiencing. To improve the quality of your living, you must improve the quality of your thinking.

If you want to be a Black Belt MASTER of your Life (and experience more Real Life Success), you've got to first become a Black Belt MASTER of your Thoughts.

This demands you stop living life looking in the rearview mirror.

The past is over, it can't be changed. Why torture yourself with what was, or could have been, and miss what's before you right now, at this moment?

Turn around, and see the endless opportunities before you.

If you only see them in the rearview mirror, it's too late.

Let it go.